The worst time to have a heart attack
is during a game of charades.
No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food
pyramid to become a vegetarian.
Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.
Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a
knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had
butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like
it or not.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him
to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of
chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.
I think the problem with people like that is that they're so
stupid they don't know how stupid they are. - John Cleese
Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to
spell ‘Light’, but with twenty percent fewer letters.