I’m a social vegan. I
In high school, some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang
out with them, but turns out it was just clique bait.
Thanks for defining the word “many” for me, it means a lot.
I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent.
I like my coffee like I like my women, respected for their
contributions in the home and workplace
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not
fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Gender Reassignment Surgeons, that job takes balls.
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars
and thought to myself: "What the fuck happened to the roof?"
The difference between a new boyfriend and a new dog: after
a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious,
I’m really glad it is the yawn.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let her sleep in.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive
gambler and ever since, all I can think about, is how to win