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Im a social vegan. I avoid meet.
 



In high school, some kids told me theyd give me $20 to hang out with them, but turns out it was just clique bait.
 



Thanks for defining the word many for me, it means a lot.
 



I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent.
 



I like my coffee like I like my women, respected for their contributions in the home and workplace
 



250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. Im just not on the right planet.
 



Gender Reassignment Surgeons, that job takes balls.
 



Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
 



One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the fuck happened to the roof?"
 



The difference between a new boyfriend and a new dog: after a year the dog is still excited to see you.
 



Of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious, Im really glad it is the yawn.
 



Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let her sleep in.
 



My girlfriend broke up with me because Im a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about, is how to win her back.

 

 

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