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Whatís the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Yíall ainít gonna believe this shit.."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.

When I was on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light. and I would hear things that sounded like car horns

I may not be jesus but I can turn water into koolaid

Honesty may be the best policy, but itís important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy

It's funny how axe handles are made of wood. It's like the ultimate 'F*ck you' to trees.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

Never make an arm wrestling bet with a man that has been single for longer than 6 months.

Men are like babies... when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you donít have a good partner, youíd better have a good hand.



I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f*ck that, Iíll just get a tan instead.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

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