Life without women would be a pain in
the ass, literally.
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of
no-shows, but I still had fun.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his
shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away
and I have his shoes.
Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nuts
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and
they hand you the camera.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but
she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove
that you don't need it.
If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
A big shout out to sidewalks... Thanks for keeping me off
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it.
Doesn't it sound so great?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get
really mad if she heard me say that.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a
squirrel and flip over a few times.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is
that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Someone should open up a restaurant called "I don't care".
Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends
always talking about
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that
scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!