Keep Your Husband Home
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your
husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply
say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him
from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.
Trick Or Treating
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers
for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for
masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I
think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume
that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold
had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he
eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up
a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence
that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband
from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she
flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his
hand. Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent S.O.B.!!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to
explain our two kids!!!
Nursing Home Couple
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic
relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties,
their physical contact was rather limited. However, every
evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip
Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for
twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was
leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the
nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed. "Heavens!
What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe.
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees
the priest doing a crossword puzzle. Time passes and the
priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter
word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?" The
gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the
word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would
you happen to have an eraser?"
Q: What do you call a guy with a
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day
A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the
Q: How is California like a granola bar?
A: They both contain fruits, nuts and flakes.
Q: Why did God give women belly buttons?
A: For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.