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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A: Very satisfying.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why dont blind men skydive?
A: Because it scares the sh*t out of the dog

Married 3 Times
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

3 Guys
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Pack Your Bags
A man comes home to find his wife with her luggage packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think youíre going?" he says. "Iím going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free!" The man thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his luggage packed as well. "Where do you think youíre going?" the wife asks. "Iím coming with you! I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

Good Lesson
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

Man And A Duck
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."



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