Hilariously Funny Facebook Statuses
And Get Tons
Of Likes On Facebook!
Iím the kind of friend who will help
you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I
know how to hide a dead body.
I donít need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is
I bet people donít understand that Iím joking 800% of the
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your
chest, eat a banana.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties
their shoelaces for them?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would
start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget"
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to
heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn't ask me to
help with stuff.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can't see it, but you know when
you've lost it.
Married sext: I'm not wearing any underwear, because you
never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you
to 100 times
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much
Before coffee: Hates nearly everybody. After coffee: feels
better about hating everybody.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any
conversation Iím having before people start shaking their
head and quoting the bible.
I used to wake up to cute texts. Now I just wake up to 100%
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just
call it "Sleepy Peepee"
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if
you're having a velociraptor.
There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me
$19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Facebook is like a fridge. When youíre bored you keep
opening and closing it every few minutes to see if thereís
anything good in it
I'm growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed
people a photo album filled with pictures you took of
yourself in the bathroom?
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the
carton how sheís doing.
Sometimes I feel moderately
intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my
head to remember which letter comes next.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally
Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your
Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have
the worst luck"
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the
last movie you watched.
Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like
a Taco Bell breakfast.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary
reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made
out of hair.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a
ride to the airport.
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on
If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says
you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly,