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50 Best Hilarious Facebook Statuses 3



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Use These Hilariously Funny Facebook Statuses

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Iím the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

I donít need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.

I bet people donít understand that Iím joking 800% of the time.

Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?

I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?

The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn't ask me to help with stuff.

Love is like Wi-Fi, you can't see it, but you know when you've lost it.

Married sext: I'm not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times

Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs

Before coffee: Hates nearly everybody. After coffee: feels better about hating everybody.

It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iím having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.

I used to wake up to cute texts. Now I just wake up to 100% battery.

"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee"

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.

There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Facebook is like a fridge. When youíre bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if thereís anything good in it

I'm growing a mullet to test our friendship.

Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how sheís doing.



Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally

Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.

Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy

If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.


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