What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a
second opinion. He said okay, youíre ugly too.
I shouldíve known it wasnít going to work out between my
ex-wife and me. After all, Iím a Libra and sheís a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of
lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people,
then kill them.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the
hands of people who werenít smart enough to get out of jury
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are
I have all the money Iíll ever need, if I die by 4:00 p.m.
Isnít it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the
goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine
with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other
day inside my fort.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
I love my FedEx guy cause heís a drug dealer and he doesnít
even know it, and heís always on time.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,
"Hereís a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture
is of you when you were younger.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because itís
hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me
why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think
I had enough gas
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get
started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both
empty from the neck up.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively
what no one believes individually