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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Lifeís a bitch, ícause if it was a slut, itíd be easy.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously killed seven.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomaniac 18 year old girlfriend.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, Iíd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Build a man a fire, and heíll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and heíll be warm for the rest of his life.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I donít know son, Iím still paying."

Some people say "If you canít beat them, join them" I say "If you canít beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.


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