Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of payments.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Lifeís a bitch, ícause if it was a slut, itíd be easy.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean
that one enjoys it?
I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone
stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously
I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles
What should you give a man who has everything? A mute
nymphomaniac 18 year old girlfriend.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
together and there was only one life jacket, Iíd miss you
heaps and think of you often.
Build a man a fire, and heíll be warm for a day. Set a man
on fire, and heíll be warm for the rest of his life.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Behind every successful man is his
woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?" Father replied, "I donít know son, Iím
Some people say "If you canít beat them, join them" I say
"If you canít beat them, beat them", because they will be
expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of