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50 Best Funny Jokes 5



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Ice Fishing
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

Froze To Death
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''

Doctor Machine
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

How To Catch An Elephant
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

Fill This Bottle
A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please." The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle. Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- NONE OF US CAN GET THE TOP OFF THAT BOTTLE!"


Q: What happened when Snoopy found out his girl cheated on him?
A: He bitch-slapped her.

Q: How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg?
A: Whack him off!

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Q: What is it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Bestiality

Q: What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor?
A: Smartass!



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