A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the
brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh
crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be
expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of
headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but
she protests that she'll die without them. The hairdresser
sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones.
Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes
the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses,
dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the
headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
Going To Heaven
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night,
they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but
could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.
Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that
accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't
make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see
Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw
Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful
buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure
I'm in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see
that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman?
A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to
perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading
''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had
written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and
inquires about the gig.
"You're not a hypnotist are you?''
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?''
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least
twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he
tripped over his microphone wire and shouted 'SH*T!'. We've
been cleaning it up for days!''
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his
wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door
hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put
it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she
didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want
a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for
that toaster in the window.''
Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!
Q: What do guys and ceramic tiles have in common?
A: Lay them right the first time and you can walk on
them for the rest of your life!
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have
A: Wet noses.
Q: What did the farmer say when he read that genetic
engineers were implanting human DNA into goats?
A: "Hell, I've been doing that for years."
Q: What is six inches long with a head on it, that
women like to blow?