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50 Best Funny Jokes 3



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Keep Your Husband Home
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

Trick Or Treating
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Sneaky Man
"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand. Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent S.O.B.!!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our two kids!!!

Nursing Home Couple
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately. One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed. "Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe.

Priest Crossword
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle. Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?" The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"



Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?
A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

Q: How is California like a granola bar?
A: They both contain fruits, nuts and flakes.

Q: Why did God give women belly buttons?
A: For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.


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