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My Dad's The Best
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best: "My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

Just Did That
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog sh*t. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

Mom Joke
Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

Two Tattoos
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other." The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?" - "Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

Old Couple
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super P*ssy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."



Certain Food

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... It's Called Wedding Cake!

Q: What do you call a woman paralyzed from the waste down?
A: Married

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.


Q: What do you call a blonde with a half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What did the prostitutes knee say to the other?
A: Nothing. They have never met.

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