Live is too short to be normal!
I am too young to be this old!!
Iím never sure what to do with my eyes when Iím at the
dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look
at the ceiling? Whatís the proper etiquette here?
the yelp of a puppy after you take it out of the microwave
the click of an empty chamber when itís your turn at Russian
Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts
double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs
because they get credit for the most popular sexual position
It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded
I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man
Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
coming down with fridayitis
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Thanks to the new alcoholic energy drinks, instead of the
walk of shame, you can do the sprint of shame.
I recently saved a ton of money on child support by
switching to condoms...
I like my women like I like my whiskey bottles: Tops off,
The longer the title the less important the job.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
I didnít say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything,
but you canít help smiling when you see one tumble down the
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the
very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
kind of a big deal. People know him
gonna turn this car right around if you donít start
Malcolm is dyslexic which means never having to say that
is NOT the father!
used to be schizophrenic but now both of us are alright
is a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I
text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
My mom thinks WTF means "wow thats fantastic" .. Today i
texted her: mom i got and A on my English test my Mom said:
WTF see you at dinner
I need a tall glass of Vodka for my thirst, a Valium for my
Nerves, and a couple of FUCKIDOL pills for everything else.
Hey, since your back there talking about me , do you mind
telling me how good my ass looks in these jeans.
is confusedÖ Donít ask me why, I donít know either. Thatís
why Iím confused.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn,
got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Save a vegetable, each a doughnut!