Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and
one of them says, "I never slept with my wife until after we
were married. How about you?" the second preacher thinks for
a second, scratches his head, and says, "I'm not sure, what
was her maiden name?"
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked
to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why
she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth
control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute
and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80
years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills
for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The
doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in
the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman
said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I
sleep better at night."
Nurse At The Bank
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour
shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller
and, without missing a beat, says, "Well, that's
great...some a**hole's got my pen."
Fascinate In A Sentence
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use
fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was
fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use
fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated
at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I
specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny
said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the
teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a
sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big
she can only fasten eight."
Lie Detector Robot
A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib
and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, "Did you go to
school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps
him. The sons says, "All right, I went to the movies." The
father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy
Story 3." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "OK,
OK! It was Gang Bang 3." His father snorts and says, "When I
was your age we didn't know what porn was." This time the
robot slaps the father. The mother sputters in her coffee
and retorts, "Ha! He's your son, after all," and the robot
Yo momma's so dumb, when y'all were
driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said "Disneyland
left," so she went home.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front
of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"
Two guys are driving to work when one asks the other if he
talks to his wife after sex. "Yes," replies the second guy.
"If I can find a phone."
A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The
Mexican says, "Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and
A man calls 911: "Come immediately, my little son has
swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls
back and says, "Forget It, I found another one."