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Two Ministers
Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, "I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?" the second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

Birth Control
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

Nurse At The Bank
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well, that's great...some a**hole's got my pen."

Fascinate In A Sentence
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Lie Detector Robot
A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The sons says, "All right, I went to the movies." The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 3." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "OK, OK! It was Gang Bang 3." His father snorts and says, "When I was your age we didn't know what porn was." This time the robot slaps the father. The mother sputters in her coffee and retorts, "Ha! He's your son, after all," and the robot slaps her.



Yo momma's so dumb, when y'all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said "Disneyland left," so she went home.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

Two guys are driving to work when one asks the other if he talks to his wife after sex. "Yes," replies the second guy. "If I can find a phone."

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, "Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!"

A man calls 911: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back and says, "Forget It, I found another one."


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