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Shopping Couple
A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes heís nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. "Honey," he says, "remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldnít afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?" Choked up, the wife replies, "Yes, how could I ≠forget?" Her husband goes on, "Well, Iím at the bar next door to it if you need me."

Trapped On An Island
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Startle Yourself
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Going To A Party
A man wearing a stove-pipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat orders a drink at a bar. "Goin' to a party?" the bartender asks. "Yeah," the man replies. "I'm supposed to go dressed as my love life." "So why are you dressed as Abe Lincoln?" "My last four scores were seven years ago."

Up On A Roof
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'



Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Q: Did you ever date a midget?
A: Yes, I was just nuts over her.

Q: What do dolphins have that no other mammals have?
A: Baby dolphins.



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