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Self Esteem
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didnít think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didnít want to leave you standing up by yourself."

How People Were Born
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


Riding Bikes
Two women are riding bikes to a friendís house when it starts to get dark. "Iíve never come this way before," says one of the women. "Me neither," says the other woman. "I think itís the cobblestones."

Married Life
Married man Don is talking to his single pal Ryan about settling down, confiding, "Itís nice to come home to someone who's happy to see you." "Thatís what my dog is for," Ryan replies. "Not the same thing." Don scoffs. "Oh ,yeah?" says Ryan. "Just lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and see who's still happy to see you when you let them out an hour later."

Little Johnny
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


Q: What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

Q: How do you cure bedwetting?
A: With an electric blanket.

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What's the best thing about having an emo lawn?
A: You never have to mow-it cuts itself.



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