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I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it's negative.
 



My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I'm thinking about getting her a treadmill.
 



Iím still waiting for the day that I will actually use

x≤ + y +8 [(x + 2y ≤ = a-z] + 2x ≥ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ≥= k in real life.
 



Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
 



Women donít go crazy, they are crazy. They just 'go normal' from time to time.
 



You and I are best of friends. Always remember I will pick you up if you fall. Right after I stop laughing.


While the optimist and pessimist argue over the glass of water, the opportunist sneaks in and drinks it.
 



There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
 



Oh you got 'Swag?' I bet that looks great on your application to McDonaldís.
 



Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
 



"This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
 



I could never stab someone, I have a hard enough time getting the straw into a Capri Sun.
 



Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, "If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"
 



If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
 



Why do people in Horror Movies yell out "Hello?" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah, Iím in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

 

 

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