A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine.
He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling
Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting
it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992
vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas
range. Please bring me what I ordered." Watching from the
bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his
hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?" Winking at
his date, the young man sips from the drunkís glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it
out. "Yeah", says the drunk, "but what year?"
A father has three daughters that are all getting married on
the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish
to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with
three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second
daughter and asks her the same question. She replies,
''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his
chest.'' He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her
the same thing: ''Who do you wish to marry?'' She replies,
''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''
Two Old Men
Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life
pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front
lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.
The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other old man says, "I donít know. If I were you, Iíd
try petting him first."
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician
notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever
seen. "Iím sorry, Mr. Schwartz, says the mortician, But I
canít send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis
like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts
the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to
show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you
wonít believe, he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!"
The Worst Way
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, Iím
dying to have sex in the worst way." So the bartender says,
"Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
Get My Shoes
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while
and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so
kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges
and goes upstairs. There he sees his friendís daughters,
both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick
thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here
to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That
canít be!" He replies, "OK, letís check!" He shouts at his
friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
Swimming One Day
Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman
drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts
giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her
legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, Iíll save the baby.
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were
going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty,
so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the
girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother
saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking
to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they
talked, the dumber he got.''
Giant Boxes Of Condoms
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of
condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with
all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he
shits in little plastic baggies!"
An executive had to get rid of one member of his staff. He
couldn't decide between Mary and Jack: both had equal
seniority and qualifications. Unable to choose, he finally
decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be
let go. The next morning, Mary came with a hangover. She
went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin.
The executive approached her: "Mary, this is difficult, but
I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied, "Then you'll
have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache.