One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word,
"penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She
erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day,
she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a
little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to
find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time. She
went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead
the chalkboard read: The more you rub it, the bigger it
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father,
surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice,
hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?"
the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks,
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The
mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through
three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas
tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead
from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for
sex. Afterward, she said "You must be a good dentist" He
replied, "How did you know I'm a dentist?" She said, I
didn't feel a thing.
A Bottle Of Wine
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a
beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the
most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will
not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that
you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give
me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off
three inches for anyone.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom
calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called
Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl
smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown
Her sister smiled and said, "Thatís nothing, mine is already
Boy: Letís play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say ďRed lightĒ
when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Red light!!!
Boy: Firetrucks donít stop for red lights ;)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the
gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this
alligatorís mouth and place my genitals inside, leave íem
there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will
each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar,
drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligatorís
open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its
mouth and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as
promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "Iíll
do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater
cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesnít hear her
and says, "Come again?" She giggles and says, "No,itís just
mustard this time."
In The Cemetery
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a
guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He
said, "No, just taking a sh*t.."
One day this lady decided that her sex life wasnít what it
used to be. So she wanted to introduce a sex toy of some
sort. So she went to the nearest sex shop and asked the
clerk what would make her sex life go through the roof! The
sales clerk whispered I have a very special item in the back
if you wanna take a peek. So the woman went with the clerk
to the back where he showed her the "Magic Dildo". He said
to make it work you just say, "Magic Dildo p*ssy." or
wherever you want it to f**k. The woman was amused and she
bought it. Once she got home she unwrapped the Magic Dildo
opened her legs and said, "Magic Dildo p*ssy!" And the magic
dildo f**ked her brains out and the woman instantly orgasmed!
But she couldnít get it to stop and it was starting to
hurt!!! She kept saying Magic Dildo stop but it wouldnít so
she pulled it out and ran out of the house and when she
turned the corner a police man stopped her and said," Maím
why are you running naked down the street?" So she told him
the whole story and he said, "Magic Dildo my ASS!!!"