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Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: Where does the president keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella?
A: Fo-Drizzle



Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

State Capitals
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

Ugly Baby
woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Grieving Man
A man placed some carnations on the grave of his departed mother and headed back to his car. His attention was diverted to man kneeling at a grave headstone who was praying with profound intensity and repeating "Why did you have to die?" "Why did you have to die?" The first man approached and said "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your moment of grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I have ever seen before. Whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A caring parent? A close sibling? The mourner took a moment to collect his thoughts, then replied "My wife's first husband."

Pulled Over
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I donít care who you know," snapped the officer. "Youíre getting a ticket."



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